Daddy issues and addiction

It's hard to try and compact your life story into one blog post. I could type up a huge long novel hoping to keep readers attention, but that isn't the reality of it. So what I think I will do, is just break it up into several postings and go from there. I had an intense heart to heart with my mom the other day, it may not have been intense for her, but it certainly was for me.

It all started a couple days before that, when I was laying in bed ( thanks to a slight case of insomnia) and I really started thinking about what makes me tick, what makes me do or not do for that matter, everything, and I believe it all boils down to two things: Daddy issues and Addiction.

I am starting this series of blogs because I need to let go. I need to let go of everything that is holding me back, and not letting me be the person I want to be, let go of every nasty thing someone has said or done to me, let go of all the negative. I don't want you to think this is a pity party, because for me it isn't. This is my way of letting go. You either want to read or you don't, and I understand that.

I'm not really sure on where or how to start, because it is all a maze of things connecting in different ways that lead in different directions but ultimately ending in the same spot. I suppose I will start with my earliest memories........

I was never aware that something was different with my family until the age of about 5. How lucky we are to be young and oblivious. My first memory of Darryl is one of the few happy ones, I don't remember everything from that very first visit since I was only 5, but what I do remember is vivid. My mom was there, we were at McDonald's and it was different than the other McDonald's I had been in, it was like a train, and it had a gift shop. Meeting my 'daddy' was so exciting, he gave me a big hug and a little present. A pink pencil with a little pink bear charm that hung off of where the eraser would have been. From that point it gets fuzzy, maybe because I just honestly don't remember or maybe because I've blocked it out. I can only describe the memory from that very first encounter ( first that I remember anyway) as short and sweet. Later in my life I was told that on the drive home with my mom and grandpa, my grandpa asked me what I thought of my daddy, to which I replied...."I have the best daddy in the world" Little did I know what the best daddy in the world would actually do to my emotional health and stability later on in my life.

I didn't see him or remember any phone calls from him until about 6, when I received a birthday gift in the mail from him. It was a pair of jeans about 2 feet too long for me and a little set of bubble bath and lotion, which I didn't use, not because I didn't like it but because it was a treasure. I kept the jeans for as long as I could, until one day they were gone. I don't think my mom or grandma ( I don't know which one) got rid of the jeans for malicious reasons but simply because I couldn't wear them. I received and made maybe a handful of calls after that with Darryl. One of which was to inform me that I had a sister. Boy was that weird for a 6 year old. At that age I was confused as to HOW I actually had a sister when my mommy didn't bring home any baby. Of course, it was explained to me what that meant and I was over the moon! I was an only child until that point and all of my friends had brothers and sisters, to me it was the best news a girl could get! I couldn't wait to meet my little sister.........that didn't happen until I was much older.

The phone calls became increasingly fewer and farther in between, until I was 8. My mom told me after school one day that we would be going to see Darryl and my other family members in Oklahoma for a vacation. School wasn't out for me yet, so I had to do school work on our little vacation. On an airplane with school work and mom in tow, I was excited once again to see my daddy. From the moment we arrived until the day we left, was nothing but fun. I met my cousins, and we did everything together. There were trips to the zoo and a children's museum. Those were fun, but the absolute BEST memories from that trip were of spending time with my daddy, and having so much fun sitting around my Aunt's house while the grown ups would play their instruments and sing songs. Something out of a movie really. All the while being oblivious to what was happening between my mom and Darryl. When we got ready to come home, I didn't want to leave all of that, I didn't want to leave my daddy and this new found family life and all of the fishing and playing and music. Brings me to tears even now....but for completely different reasons than that of an 8 year old. I had the most wonderful life at home in California with my mom and my Grandma and Grandpa, but this was different....this was new.....this was what I had been missing, but didn't know it until it was in my lap. Sad really that an 8 year old would realize something like this.

Fast forward a few weeks, and I am told that my mom and Darryl were going to take a stab at getting back together and in order for this to work, we had to move to Oklahoma. I was so torn. I wanted that life, I wanted to be a family, I wanted to be with my cousins and do all of those fun things, but I didn't want to leave my grandparents, my school and my friends. At 8 I didn't have a choice obviously and away we went. The day we left in the U-haul is a memory that is burned into my brain ......I had a plastic bag with cassette tapes and my walk man in it, and a few other things to keep me busy during our 2 day drive, but that isn't what sticks out most.....it was watching my grandparents cry. Had I known what was going to happen....I would have lied, cheated and stole to stay with them. To say I had a close bond with my grandparents is really an understatement, and to this day I really can't fully describe it.

When we got to Oklahoma, we stayed at my aunt and uncles house until we got our own house. It all started just as our vacation did, amazing. This was it, this was finally my time.....we went fishing, I started Cheer leading, we had those family music nights, just as before. I wanted to go to the same school as my cousins, but couldn't. I had to ride a bus to my school that seemed like it was on the other side of the planet! In reality it was probably 2-5 miles from my house. My aunt was a crossing guard at my bus stop and everyday after school I would see her, and my cousins. She would make deals with my cousin and I, that if we got A's on our spelling tests or report cards she would give us a reward. This was really the beginning of the end I just didn't know it yet. When we moved into our own house, I started to see less and less of my daddy and I had no clue as to what was going on, I was enjoying everything else, so why would I see it?

One day after school, Darryl was supposed to pick me up at the bus stop. When I got off the bus I went over to my aunt, as I did every day and she told me my dad wasn't there yet, mind you my house was easily only two blocks from my stop, but I was 8 and it was a new place. I wasn't sure how to get home walking by myself there. After waiting what seemed to be an eternity for Darryl to come get me, my cousin Candy drove up and offered to take me home. We pull up in front of my house, the garage door is open, the car is in the driveway. Well, at least he was home right?? Candy walked me up to the door , it was locked. She knocked for far too long and then tried the door in the garage, thankfully it was open because the front door would have never been answered because Darryl was 'asleep' on the couch. Yeah he was passed completely out from drinking all day, there was no getting him up. I ended up going to my aunts house until my mom got off work. This was when i realized something was wrong.

Darryl is an Alcoholic and always has been. The drinking just got worse from there, and never stopped. Christmas is here I am on an airplane going home to California to see my grandparents. Again later I found out that my mom wanted to leave me there because she had already seen where their short reunion was heading. Darryl said no, that I needed to come back to Oklahoma and be a family. A few weeks later I got home from school went to my aunts house ( this became the regular since Darryl was either 'working' or at home drinking) to find my mom home from work early. We were going home to California. Again...later I was told that he left my moms car at her job, with a note. The note said something along the lines of " I didn't want it to end this way, tell Jenny I love her" nice huh?? My daddy was gone, and so was my new family life.