So here I sit, staring at the lap top for what seems like 40 years, wondering how to get all of these jumbled up thoughts and ideas down, in such a way as to not make people think I am bat shit crazy. So I guess I'll just like 'top 10' it .........
1. Honey Boo Boo child. Whoa girl...whoa.
2. Skinny Jeans- again with this ladies? again??? Jeez-la-weez, get the friggin' hint already, just because they make them in your size, doesn't mean you should buy them. Muffin top? Oh no honey, you got the whole dang muffin hangin' out....girl put that away, no one wants to see all those jiggly bits, I know I don't...I see enough jiggly bits when I get in the shower. Also, when I see dudes wearing them, it makes me wonder where they put their bits.....like, seriously......where? Do they tuck like Drag Queens? Are they unichs?.....I just don't know.
3. STOP SPENDING BEYOND YOUR MEANS!!!!!!!!!! If that is too hard for you, then stop complaining about never having any money........I'm no spring chicken, and I have kids to think about, I can't have all the fancy shmancy crap I want, I can't go on awesome vacations, or buy the latest and greatest, but that doesn't bother me as much as listening to people bitch and complain about their lack of funds, when clearly they have a shit ton of gadgets and vacations, new cars, etc........how about you point me in the direction of that money tree you so obviously have, because I have to be doing something wrong here....
4. Negativity- man that's an ugly word, but boy have I seen A LOT of it going around....like a plague or something...I'm sorry you have a crap job, I'm sorry your food was cold, I'm sorry you have no cell phone service, no internet service...yadda yadda yadda...buck up little camper, at least you aren't living in some crazy dirt hut in the middle of BFE with malaria and leprosy......get a clue and be thankful about the good things in your life, can't find any? FIX IT. No one is going to hand you sunshine and lollipops everyday and tell you how stinkin' awesome you are.
5. Coach Purses....HAHAHAHAHAHA everyone has one anymore...hell I even have one, it was the worst 70 bucks I've ever spent on a wallet in my life! I say wallet, because I have no clue how they classified it as a 'purse'. I love me some $5.99 Wal-mart purses!! I also like to receive purses as gifts...hint. HAHAH.
6. That damned paper towel holder in the kitchen is out to get me and my OCD. Can you please STOP messing with me? GET IN YOUR PERFECTLY ANGLED CORNER!
7. I lost my train of thought.
8. Sarcasm should be used in moderation, no one likes that crap 100% of the time- know the W's : when, where and who.......this is for you Chris.
9. Parenting advice - is nice when asked for, otherwise it's just rude- get over yourself.
10. One uppers - Oh yeah well I parachuted out of a helicopter that made a hole in my parachute and landed on the moon......if you have to try THAT hard to impress people then you have some serious issues bud. I don't care if you landed on the moon booty naked, if you are a good person, who is nice and fun to be around then you shouldn't have to make up grandiose stories about saving 100 kittens from a basement fire with two broken legs and a migraine.
A penny for your thoughts?
