Nine.....just in time

I feel like I have covered the bases on most of the important issues in my life that have led me to the place I am now, of course I tried doing so without sounding like a twisted version of a Danielle Steele novel. I have thought about what my life 'story' would look like played out as a Telenovela, I think it would be pretty much the most awesome thing I have ever seen...but I am biased you know. 

 I am not addicted to drugs or alcohol I am addicted to food. 

I didn't think of it that way growing up, it was just a comfort to me then, and really it still is now.  People who have never had a weight problem often times see a "food" addiction as some sort of excuse for being lazy and gross, when in reality  is so far from the truth....most times anyway. Realistically most people who are over weight or obese got that way from some inner turmoil, some trauma, some event or events, it's not like we all woke up one morning and said.."gee I think I want to be morbidly obese that way I can feel even less about myself than I already do" . Getting to the point of doing something about it however, is a completely different issue.  When a person starts gaining weight, it is a downward spiral of not wanting to be active because it hurts, not because of laziness.  Ok I think I kinda made my point......a little....

I was recently diagnosed with OCD, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.  I know what you are thinking.....no I don't have any rituals like you see on TV where those poor individuals tap their left toe on a crack in the sidewalk 27 times before repeating 12 times. I don't have to have things in a certain order etc....before I talk about my OCD I think it is really important for me to try and explain as simply as I can what exactly happens to people with OCD.  The following two words have opened doors for me : Brain Lock.  This is exactly what happens to people with OCD. Their brains lock onto something and will not switch gears into rational thinking.  What you see on television is not how every person with OCD is, these are the very extreme cases and are used to draw in viewers.  I will give you an example, I wrote in a previous posting that when I was reprimanded at work for something that I did wrong and would obsess over it all night.....had I known then what I know now I might have saved myself from feeling like a crazy person.   

My OCD obviously manifested early on I just didn't know it.  People with OCD often times have other issues such as hoarding.  Again, the things you see on TV are the most extreme cases.  Looking back on my childhood, I see now that I had hoarding tendencies.  I never wanted to get rid of anything, everything had a story or special meaning to me.  Now I know, that most people in the world do this as well, but most people grow out of it and eventually get rid of the childish things that mean so much to us growing up, only to be followed by holding onto things that have a deeper meaning, things that have been passed down to us or special gifts. A good example would be family heirlooms, or special Christmas ornaments. 


I am so exactly the opposite these days, I have a rule when it comes to 'stuff' : If you haven't touched it, thought about it, worn it or seen it in a year, it gets donated or trashed.  I really believe that this is part of my OCD, feeling anxiety over seeing 'stuff' and feeling overwhelmed, and the overwhelming feeling of  not wanting but, needing to get rid of things. 


The only exception to my rule is, Jackson's baby things. Not everything, because I basically got rid of most of his baby stuff, but I did keep a few things, like his first pair of shoes, a couple of outfits that were my favorites, etc.  As much as I want to keep these items, I still battle with feeling anxiety over keeping them. 

After doing a lot of thinking about food addiction and OCD, I can't help but feel like these two monsters feed off of each other.  I can't help but feel like if I didn't have one, I wouldn't have the other...or maybe if one wasn't so bad the other wouldn't be either, if that makes sense. 

So where does this lead me to now? What's next? Stay tuned and maybe you'll find out.