Simply six

The next three years of school are pretty much a blur with the exception of memories triggered by a song, or a feeling.  My Sophomore year of school was pretty much like my Freshman year with a steady weight gain.  By now I was used to being the fat friend, the one who none of the boys liked like 'that' but considered me one of their good friends.  I told myself this is where it was safe.  No one could break my heart in the friend zone.  I had a crush on each one of my guy friends at one point or another and would be so hurt when they liked someone else, or got a girlfriend.  It all led me to the same place,  this was the exact reason why my food was perfect.  It never hurt my feelings, was always there for me, made me feel good, and best of all NEVER rejected me. 

Over the summer going into my Junior year I went back to Arkansas and basically starved myself and when we would go out on the lake I would swim and do everything I possibly could to burn as much fat off my body as I could.  The week before I was to come home I started noticing my clothes not fitting, becoming looser....YES!!!!! It was working.  I remember getting off the airplane and meeting my mom, and the look on her face was priceless. It told me everything I needed to hear without saying a word. I looked so good! I got compliments all over the place from everyone about how good I looked and how much weight I had lost. I think in total I lost somewhere around 30lbs.  I was on cloud nine! 

Of course the other side of that was the inevitable downward spiral into feeling not good enough still...I should have lost more weight than that, I was still disgusting. So ...I ate....again. I gained most of it back, but not all...I found something more fun to do than eat. 

My Junior year my friends and I were non-stop on the go, one or the other had a license and car so there was no shortage of ditching, and going anywhere we could.  The weekends were filled with parties and being out until all hours of the night doing......well....I won't incriminate myself too much, but I am sure you can imagine...you were all teenagers once. 

Before I knew it I was a Senior, gained every last bit of that 30lbs back and then some. Nevertheless I was still having the time of my life.  I didn't care about going to school I had better things to do, more entertaining things.   It was all a facade, I wasn't having that much fun. I wanted everyone to think I was, so I did everything they did....I went along with whatever plan was set in motion to do everything we shouldn't have been doing...and sometimes more.  My relationship with my mom  was strained to say the least. We had always been very close and anyone can tell you the running joke then, and now is to 'cut the umbilical cord' we always did everything together and had as much fun as possible doing it.  I could tell my mom anything and knew I wouldn't be judged. We were always open like that. 

I saw how some of my friends' parents were, and felt lucky to have such an open mom. I wasn't afraid of telling her things.  So when I started doing all the bad things, staying out, stealing her car in the middle of the night...etc.. that closeness vanished, we stopped seeing eye to eye on a lot of things. For one I thought because I was almost 18 I could do anything I wanted, and obviously as any good parent would, she disagreed.   I knew she was a good mom and didn't deserve my lies and hateful words, but I couldn't help but be that person. I was out of control,  inside and out.  I was out of control with her because I was so out of control on the inside. Feeling guilty for doing all of the things deep down I knew I shouldn't have been doing, being mean to her and way too many others. 

Half way through my senior year I was told I wasn't on track to graduate and this wasn't a surprise, the summer before I had to go to summer school for bad grades and being absent.  This was different.  All of my friends were graduating and I didn't want to be the odd man out.  I broke down and told my mom and she did something for me that I will never be able to fully thank her for.  I don't know if I can ever express to her what her actions did for me.  

The next day I was sent to school with a list of tasks, I had to get a print out showing all my absent and tardy marks. I had to get a print out of my last  report card and contact information for all my teachers. Talk about sucky.  She wrote me an excuse note for every single tardy and absence.  Luckily I had done enough work in most of my classes to get a barely passing grade...except for one class.  This class I actually went to but because I sat next to other social butterflies, never did any work and was failing.  This was my English class.  I have always liked English, so on the rare occasion I did do the work, I always got good marks.  Mom convinced the teacher to let me do extra credit to get a passing grade so that I could graduate.  


Me graduating from High School was so important to my mom, because she didn't graduate. She met my father and left school to marry him. My teacher said, OK to the extra credit and I was told I had to write a 10 page report on a day in the life of a specific Author in their home town. I went so far above and beyond his requirements.....I wrote a 30 page paper, making it as detailed as possible. Researching everything on the author down to changing currency to his homeland currency.  I was so proud of that paper. I just knew I was going to get an A+++++ for it and I would graduate with my friends.  I went as far as to put the paper into individual protective plastic sheets in a binder with a cover ....I went all out. I wanted that A+. 

After class on Friday I presented my teacher with my awesome report.  He looked up at me over his glasses and didn't say one word, he just  took the report and went on about his business.  I was so disappointed at his reaction.   Finals started on Monday, I had studied all weekend doing the best I could for all of my classes. I passed all my final exams but had heard nothing about my extra credit report.   It was getting down to the wire, we had three days before graduation practice started and I hadn't heard anything about the report.  Finally just before the bell was going to ring to let us out, my teacher walked up to my desk and put the graded report face down in front of me.

I wanted so badly to snatch that report up and look at the grade, but I didn't,  I shoved it into my bag and waited for my mom to get home to look.  I wanted to show her the A in person so I could see her face and how proud she was going to be.  When she got home, I handed her the report without even looking at it, and she smiled and said great job honey. I'm proud of you.  I KNEW IT!!! I knew I got the grade I wanted and I couldn't get that paper out of her hand fast enough!!


C+.  I cried myself to sleep that night thinking once again I wasn't good enough. So all the next week ..I ate.  The day before everyone was going to start practice I was called into the counselors office.  I wanted to cry the whole way there, I just knew in my gut I wasn't going to be walking down the aisles with my peers waiting to receive that diploma. I knew in my gut I wasn't good enough.....and this time I had proof. 

I sat down in front of the counselor and waited for my bad news. He looked up at me and said, "I've been reviewing your file and I must say you have so much potential and yet you do nothing with it.  With your GPA you won't be able to get into a four year college.  However you will be able to attend a community college and with hard work you can eventually get into a University if you really want it."   I just sat there, I didn't care what he had to say, just tell me I'm a looser and I won't do anything with my life just like I had been telling myself.  Finally he said " Well I have good news, you are going to graduate with your class"  Ok great, can I just leave now......WAIT...WHAT?!  I just started sobbing in that poor mans office. He looked so uncomfortable.  When I was able to compose myself enough to stop crying, I wiped my tears, said thank you and left his office.   When I got home I called my mom and she already knew  and I could hear the relief in her voice. 

Graduating high school was by far one of the best days of my life.  I didn't understand then why I only received a C+ on that report when I worked so hard on it, but I do now and am so thankful that he even gave me the chance to do it. He wasn't obligated to let me do anything but he did. I know now that he didn't even read the report. My mom called him the day after I turned it in and he told her he had no intention of reading it, he just wanted to see that I made the effort to do it since I hadn't shown much effort the whole year. 



Thank you Mom,  you didn't have to do that for me but I know why you did.  I can never say thank you enough, and Thank you Mr. Young, you changed my life in a way that you'll never know.