Take two......

I know it's out of order here, but I feel compelled to say some things that I left out in the first post.

My mom and dad got divorced when I was 6 months old, so from birth until 6 months Darryl was actually a part of my life, if that is what you want to call it. I also want to say, that in the times I wasn't with Darryl my mom never said one bad or unkind word about Darryl to me, she wanted me to form my own opinion of him without any influence from her or anyone else.

The other thing is, I had a wonderful childhood with my mom, grandparents and close friends. The point of me getting this all out, is to A. Let it go...and B. to show how all of these events have led to the issues I have as an adult and working through those issues to be a better person, with better understanding of who I am. Lets get on with it.

I resumed my normal everyday life back in California with my grandparents and my mom, we ended up moving into a house down the street from my grandparents. I made friends with the neighbors, and to this day I still consider one of those awesome ladies a very good friend. I thought everything would be fine and I would move on from the recent events. Too bad that never really happens right away. From that point forward, it was always the same questions. Why doesn't my daddy love me, why am I not good enough for my daddy....you get the point.

These questions are left unanswered, and it is 10 years before my next contact with Darryl. I was getting my graduation announcements together, and decided to send one to my Aunt and uncle in Oklahoma. I can't really tell you why, but I lean towards the fact that my subconscious wasn't done with Darryl. In the mail they went, and I also sent an extra for Darryl, since I knew he was back in Oklahoma. I only knew this because my mom did keep in contact with my aunt off and on. Just about two weeks after I sent the announcement I received a phone call from my aunt, it was so exciting to hear from her and she wanted me to come to Oklahoma to visit and see everyone again, it had been far too long since we had all been together. This is where being torn on what to do comes back into play. I wanted so much to see them all again and relive the wonderful memories of my childhood stay. I also didn't know if I wanted to see Darryl, so I said I would love to come as long as I saw Darryl when and if I wanted. The plans were made, the flight was booked and soon I would be on my way to my Oklahoma home. I say home because it does feel somewhat like another home, that is where some of my family is. Just like the saying..."Home is where the heart is" a big chunk of my heart still resides in Oklahoma.

I get off the airplane and am greeted by my cousin Mellissa, looking exactly the same and yet very different. I was on a high...the kind that makes you feel like you are on a roller coaster just about to go down that huge drop...excited and stomach feeling like it will jump right out of your mouth at any second. We get to my aunts house, hugs going all around and feeling like I wanted to cry and throw up at the same time. I was relived to see that Darryl wasn't there, and yet found myself wanting to see him. This is all very confusing as a young adult, and sometimes it still feels confusing. We were getting ready to have dinner, when the door opened and there he was.............I wanted to break down and sob right then and there and scream at him WHY DID YOU DO THAT TO ME?! WHY DID YOU GIVE ME ALL OF THAT TO TAKE IT AWAY?! ....I couldn't because behind him stood a blond haired blue eyed girl....Ashley. My little sister.

I can't even begin to tell you how painfully awkward this all was, and still feels for me. I had wanted siblings my whole life, and often viewed my friends as surrogate brothers and sisters. I wanted for us to instantly connect and have it be like we had known each other since the beginning. Sadly it wasn't. Like I said it was painfully awkward, not just for me but for the three of us, daddy and his two girls. I can't speak for Ashley on her feelings, but I can only assume she was feeling as confused as I was. At that moment I decided I just needed to push the questions I had aside because I was more afraid of the answers than anything, but also because I wanted to be that 8 year old again, and have all the good times, and make happy memories.

The visit, for me seemed to have flown by and I had a wonderful time with my daddy again, and even went to a small family reunion where I was greeted with family I had never met, who all seemed to know who I was and wanted to make sure to tell me they loved me and missed me. What a nice feeling, to see so many people and have them say nice things to you. The time I spent there, Darryl's drinking hadn't changed, and this time it wasn't hidden from a child. I was an 'adult' so there was no need to hide it anymore. I had so much fun with my cousins again, and was again left with the feeling that I wanted that life....the life that included my daddy.

I was on my way back to my California home before I knew it. When I got home I was bombarded with questions....how was your trip, did you enjoy it, and the inevitable question of ....How was Darryl....are you OK? That is a hard question for me to answer at a mere 18. I thought I was ok, and I thought everything would be ok....again.......I spoke to Darryl a few times after I left and he asked me to come back and visit him, so we could spend time together just the two of us. The moment I had waited so long for had finally come. Darryl was starting to show me that he did care and he did love me........back to Oklahoma I go, I think it was only a month after my first visit. This visit was somehow different. In a way that I really started to feel a connection to him again. The awkwardness was gone, and it was just a father and daughter trying to catch up. That visit went by even faster than the first! Before I knew it I was back in California. This time I wasn't bombarded with questions, because I was so excited about it that I talked about him as soon as I got off the airplane.

I really wished at times after those visits that my mom would have sat me down and just told me the honest to goodness truth that he WILL disappoint me and it WON'T have a happily ever after ending. The reality of it is this, as a parent you don't want to, and can't hurt your baby like that. Seeing your child hurting, be it physical or emotional is down right gut wrenching. Why would you cause that pain by crushing the hopes and dreams of your baby? I understand now why she didn't say anything to me like that, and only because I have my own baby.